In Sickness and In Health

Last weekend was the worst weekend ever. Was down with flu, fever and cough. My throat was swollen, which is pretty weird because I had my tonsils removed last year and didnt expect the throat to be swollen like that. My nieces and nephew has their flu and fever a few weeks back and I thought I could escape the bug but apparently not. I'm still having this dreaded flu but the throat is okay and I'm feeling a whole lot better.

Suddenly last night Sayang came down with a fever and I had to give her the fever meds. Poor darling. Thank god she didnt wake up so often. She just woke up once for feeding and then went back to sleep peacefully.

I was surprised with the number of pregnancy news this month. A colleague just told me she's 3 months pregnant, with twins!!! And there are no history of twins in her or her husb's family. Kuasa Allah...I'm so happy for her and it gives me hope that if she can get twins then maybe I can too..hehehehe...

My sister in law is also pregnant. No, not Hareez's mom but my other SIL in Kedah. This would be her 4th one, insyaAllah..

My nephew Laiq is already 6 months and looking very healthy and adorable! My buah hati Sayang is already 9 months and is so cheeky and her new hobby is sticking out her tongue!

Laiq

Sayang

Sayang & Laiq (L-R)

Hubby and I are still trying to get pregnant. One day at a time :)

Wordless Wednesday

The Next Step

The hard part is over. Now, comes the harder part.

MOVING ON.

I have no clue how to do that. Health wise, I’ve been diligent in going for regular check-ups for my diabetes. My sugar level control is getting much better. I’ve not been snacking like how I used to.

What I want to know is…when is the right time to try again? Even thinking about “getting intimate” with my husband gives me a headache. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not turned off by sex. I’ve just been feeling irritable and lazy. Yes, that’s the word.

LAZY.

It’s hard to be optimistic sometimes. Sometimes I find it hard to confide with thehubby because somehow my point doesn’t get across and we end up fighting. He takes what I say personally even though I told him it has nothing to do with him and that I was just telling him how I feel. Sometimes I think it’s better to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, rather than risk a huge fight when I express them.

After the D&C, I had backaches and terrible stomach cramps. When I went to see the doctor, he asked me how I was feeling about the miscarriage and whether I had trouble sleeping. He suggested that I talk to a professional because sometimes the physical pain I was feeling is a manifestation of an intense emotional pain. Talk to a shrink??? Goodness. I don’t think it’s necessary. I think I’m handling all this quite well. Yes, I do break down sometimes but that’s natural, right? But I know myself. I’m a strong person inside and out and I believe I will be able to recover from the loss gradually.

I’m taking care of my niece at the moment. She’s 6 months old and I love and adore her to bits. She sleeps with me and I’ve been taking care of her since she was 2 months old. I think she’s my escapism. When I look at her, all my problems disappear for a while and I feel so much better. I don’t have to deal with my sadness and that loss, empty feeling inside. It’s bad I know but I can’t help it. This is how I deal.

I just need to figure out how this “moving on” bit works. Pray for me.

An Open Letter To Michael Buble

Dear Mr. Buble,

I was at your concert on Sunday the 13th March 2011 in KL. I had the best time of my life. You are by far the best entertainer I’ve ever seen. I thoroughly enjoyed your “party” and believe me if you ever come back to KL I will surely get the most expensive ticket because you are so worth every ringgit!

My husband is a big fan of yours. I think I started listening to your music because of him. He told me that when he was in Kuching some years ago he entered a singing competition organised by his company and he sang and danced to “Sway”. He said he listened to your rendition of Sway and loved it. He actually got 2nd place. He showed me the video of him singing and dancing to the song and it was so funny that I still make fun of him till today.

Dear Mr. Buble,

You see, about a month ago I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. You don’t know how happy I was to see that 2 blue lines on the pregnancy stick and also the word “pregnant” on the stick. We’ve been trying to get pregnant ever since I got married like 4 years ago. I’ve never gotten that 2 lines before even when I was late several weeks a few times. When I found out I told my husband and we went and bought another 2 pregnancy tests and tested and after that we went to see a doctor and did a blood test. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I was over the moon. I didn’t tell many people, just few people who were very close to me. We told our parents and they were very happy because I guess they knew how long we’ve been waiting for this good news.

However, our happiness didn’t last that long. We went for a check-up 2 weeks ago and the doctor said he couldn’t detect a heartbeat and said it was a miscarriage and told me I had to do a D&C. I can hear him saying all this words but I just couldn’t process it at that time. I felt sad, angry and wanted to kill that doctor for telling me the bad news.

Dear Mr. Buble,

The reason I’m telling you all this is to let you know that I still have hope. I listened to your song “Haven’t Met You Yet” and cried my hearts out. When I hear the first few lines of the song I can immediately relate to it. There have been so many times that I wished I was pregnant. When I’m late for even a week I’ll buy the pregnancy test and when it comes out negative I’d just cry in the bathroom. My heart breaks everytime I don’t see the 2 blue lines.

I'm Not Surprised

Not Everything Lasts

I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times,

I Stopped Keeping Track.

Talk Myself In

I Talk Myself Out

I Get All Worked Up

Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It

I Came Up With A Million Excuses

I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And then I listened to the rest of the lyrics from the song…

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up

I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck

Wherever you are, whenever it's right

You'll come outta nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing

And baby your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility

I still believe that there is hope for me. There are times when I just want to give up, curl on my bed, turn off the lights and cry till I can’t cry anymore. But then I thought, “Hey! I did just get pregnant naturally when all this while I thought I couldn’t. That ought to count for something, right?”

Dear Mr. Buble,

I felt really bad for my husband too. When all this was happening to me I think people forgot to ask him whether he’s okay. His family members are so far away and he doesn’t have anyone to talk to here except for me. He tried so very hard to be strong for me but I know he was devastated and upset. I know he cries when he’s alone. He tried not to do it in front of me but I know he’s hurting. I just want him to be okay. I love him so much and felt so bad that I couldn’t give him this one gift that every woman is supposed to give to their husband. I want to move on and not be so sad anymore but it’s so very hard. I still find it hard to talk to my close friends about it. I want to tell them how I’m still hurting but I’m so afraid they’re going to tell me to get over it and move on. I don’t think I can handle that. I also want my husband to know that I noticed.

I noticed how caring, thoughtful and loving he is throughout this whole ordeal. I noticed that at times he looked sad but tried to put on a strong front. I noticed how he wants to make everything better for me. I noticed.

So Mr. Buble, the conclusion to this open letter is…please keep on making good music and lyrics. I know it’s cliché for some people but your song is helping me go through this tough time. God is with me and he’s giving me strength to move on and try again. But sometimes a song does wonders as well. My husband is your biggest fan. And I guess because of him, I became a fan too.

Happy Birthday to Moi & Happy 4th Anniversary Boo!

It’s been too long since I last updated my blog. Let see, oh yes! I celebrated my 4th Wedding Anniversary and my 37th birthday all in the month of February. This year hubby and I decided not to travel far to celebrate our anniversary so we stayed one night at the Gardens Hotel. I am very impressed with the hotel room. If we’re not in our room then we’re out shopping at Gardens and Midvalley Megamall. Since it was a CNY holidays so the malls were quite and there were not many people around. It was just so nice walking around the mall with hubs at a slow pace and taking our time looking for things to buy.

On my birthday, hubs took me to a Mexican restaurant called Las Carretas near 10 Semantan for a special birthday dinner. The food was awesome and I got special treatment from the restaurant crew. Hubs said he called in advance to make reservation and they asked him if it was for any special occasion and he told them it was for my birthday and they told him not to worry as they will make it very special for me. True enough I was surprised and felt somewhat uncomfortable with all the special treatment I was getting. Never have I been to a restaurant and had a designated waitress serving us the whole time we were there. Hubs had his wagyu and I had my ribs and when hubs asked for the bill, lo and behold the restaurant crew came out with a guitar and put on a sombrero on me and sang Happy Birthday to the lovely Senorita! Hehehe…thank god there weren’t so many people in the restaurant or else I’d die of embarrassment. In any case, I have to thank my darling husband for such a wonderful dinner.

3 years to turning 40. Wow! I don’t know how comfortable I’d be turning 40 years old. Or whether I can actually tell people I’m 40 with a straight face, without cringing. Oh well…I’ll deal with it when the time comes I guess.

Besides gifts from my wonderful chickies, colleagues and hubs there is another gift that I’ve received which is just so priceless. It’s too soon to tell. I will definitely reveal when the time comes. In the meantime, happy February you guys! It’s been a great month and I’m looking forward to March!

Happy New Year!

U guessed it. I’m updating the blog just coz it’s a nice date today.

11.1.11.

Before I forget, I would like to wish all of you a very Happy New Year. How did you spend your new year? I know some people who happily stayed home and avoided the traffic jam of celebrating the New Year at the shopping malls or in town.

I spent my new year in a company of good friends and bloody good food. I mean kari ketam with sayur ramunggai, rojak buah power, thatlastslice’s red velvet cake yang sangat-sangat awesome!? Come on! That’s good food I tell you.

On 3rd of Jan, my SIL gave birth to a baby boy named Laiq Rasyad. I’m a proud aunt yet again. He’s such a tall baby. Fair-skinned and adorable. The count so far, 6 nieces and 3 nephews.

I don’t have any New Year resolutions. I’ve decided that it’s pointless to make any since I never resolved any of them within the timeframe. I figure if ever I want to start doing something positive or good then I’ll just do it. It’s not good breaking promise to oneself ever so often, kan?

I’m turning 37 next month. 3 more years to the BIG four-oh. In any case, I don’t feel like my age. In my heart I’m still 29.

I’ll be celebrating my 4th wedding anniversary next month too. How time flies. I am grateful to be married to this wonderful man. We have our flaws, he and I but we fit perfectly well together I think. Bak kata Faizal Tahir in Hanyut,

Maafkanlah ku tak bisa hidup tanpa kamu

Fahamilah ku tak mampu terus tanpa kamu

Bagaimana ku nanti

Bila tiada mengganti

Yang ku ada hanya kamu saja

Saat mata terpejam

Hanya kau ku terbayang

Menghapus semua segala rasa di jiwaku

Saat mata terbuka

Kamulah yang pertama

Tak mampu aku bayangkan

Hidup tanpa dirimu

Life Is Too Short

Most of the time we take life for granted. We act as if we’re going to live forever when it should be the other way around. We should live as if we are going to die tomorrow. But how many of us actually think about death everyday? Usually, we would think about what movies to watch, where to eat, what house or car we’re going to buy or where to go on holidays. Thinking about death is just too grim and depressing, especially when you think you’re too young to meet your maker. Why think about your mortality when there are other more interesting things to look forward to in life, right?

Last week, my mom told me she dreamt of my late grandma, Tok Yang. Tok Yang came to her and told her she’s going to take my mom to a wonderful place. When my mom told me of her dream, my heart skipped a beat because usually when people dream about something like that it means they’re going to die soon. I told her to stop talking about it, that she’s not going anywhere with my grandma and told her that she was going to live forever and that I am not prepared to lose her anytime soon. Because really, who wants to entertain the thought of their loved ones especially their parents not being around? I admit when it comes to my parents’ mortality especially my mother, I am one of those who are in perpetual denial. I want to think that she will outlive me because I don’t think I can survive without her.

After my mom told me about her dream, I can’t stop thinking about death. It’s not that I purposely want to think about it. I kept thinking how I would react if she was taken from me. And what can I do now so I won’t regret anything later? So now I try to make every day count. Every morning I would go to her room and kiss her good morning, something I rarely do before because I’m always late and will usually be in a rush to work. Whenever she wants me to do something, I try not to procrastinate and to do it as soon as I could. I try not to lose temper when she nags about small things. Take her out for breakfast, grocery shopping and to watch a theatre. She may not see the difference in my behavior now but to me it’s important that I do all that I guess. It’s important because if God were to take her away from me, I will have no regrets. I can honestly say, “I have done everything that a daughter is supposed to do for her mother.”

We always hear the words “Life is too short”. One day we could be healthy as a horse, and then suddenly stricken with an incurable disease the next. How many of us actually believe those words and try to do everything we can to make each second of our life meaningful? Well, I am trying to do my part bit by bit. Trying to make my life more meaningful and not fret over little things.

I am trying and I am thankful I have good friends and family members who will no doubt remind me if I ever forget.