Sayang

I will be spending Hari Raya in Kuching this year. I will miss this cutiepie the most. It's gonna be a loooooong raya. Sigh.

Wordless Wednesday

Redang Island - August 2010

Not Daddy's Little Girl...

When I was small, I didn’t have the best relationship with my dad. He was a high ranking police officer and was seldom at home. I was so much closer to my mom, so I was never daddy’s little girl and can never understand the concept of being pampered by a dad. In fact I don’t remember liking my dad until I grew up and graduated from university.

I remembered we moved to Tapah when he was appointed as the DO sometime in late 70s. The house that we moved into was an old bungalow and behind it were rubber trees. I swear the house was haunted because we often hear knockings at the door and when we opened the door no one was outside. We also often hear the water taps being turned on. One of the maids told my mom that she saw a black hairy thing under the bed.

Anyway, I was 5 years old when we moved into the bungalow. I remembered that I was a very careless child. I would put my water bottle containing milo in my schoolbag and the milo would somehow spill and wet all my books. In one year, my parents went through I think 4-5 sets of books. When my dad asked me to take something out of the car, I would often lock the car and accidentally leave the car keys in the car. So I was often punished by my dad for being so careless. It was not the normal “ketuk ketampi” or “no tv for a week” kinda punishments. My punishments include standing in the hot sun without any slippers or shoes on for a few hours till I felt dizzy and both feet scorched by the hot tar road, sometimes the clothes hanger would land on my hands and sometimes he would make me stand at one corner in the house for few hours and not talk to anyone.

Because of all these punishments, I hated my dad when I was growing up. He’s not the kind of person who would come and pacify you after the punishment and actually tell you that he’s doing all that because he loves you and is teaching you a lesson. My dad was a hard man. I guess being a police officer he has to be very tough and not show any compassion. My siblings and I turn to my mom for everything. We relied on Mama for everything, be it money or love.

After my dad retired from the force, he spent more time at home, going to the mosque and praying. He is still fierce sometimes and expects people to follow what he says without question (he sometimes treat his kids like his subordinates. Giving orders instead of asking for help) but over the years he mellowed down and after getting grandchildren he learned to be gentler. I’m not saying he totally changed for the better but I can see the effort made.

My relationship with my dad is complicated. I respect him as a father even though I disagree with some of the things he does. I do love him but not in a loving sort of way. It is more like an obligation as a daughter kind of way. We’ve never celebrated Father’s Day. We’ve never given him a card on his birthday. What we siblings would do after all of us have started working is to take him out to dinner/lunch on his birthday or buy him a gift or give him money. I know he appreciates the effort and always thanked us for celebrating his birthday.

Sometimes I envy people who are close to their fathers, especially some girlfriends of mine who totally worship their dads. I don’t think I will ever have that kind of relationship with my father. I will always pray for him. I will always respect him. I will always do anything I can to make him happy. That’s my duty as a daughter as far as it goes.

This weekend is Father’s Day. I suspect my siblings and I would go about our daily lives and will not even remember the day. And I suspect my dad won’t even care or expect us to shower him with gifts. To him there is no need to celebrate Father’s Day to show how much you love your father. These days he’s content with us just buying him food or stocking up the fridge with chocolates and ice cream. It’s easy to please my dad these days, to which I am so thankful. So please don't judge me. Not all of us have perfect families. I love my dad, in my own way and will never wish him harm. I've made peace with my feelings for him. Allah knows best.  

In Sickness and In Health

Last weekend was the worst weekend ever. Was down with flu, fever and cough. My throat was swollen, which is pretty weird because I had my tonsils removed last year and didnt expect the throat to be swollen like that. My nieces and nephew has their flu and fever a few weeks back and I thought I could escape the bug but apparently not. I'm still having this dreaded flu but the throat is okay and I'm feeling a whole lot better.

Suddenly last night Sayang came down with a fever and I had to give her the fever meds. Poor darling. Thank god she didnt wake up so often. She just woke up once for feeding and then went back to sleep peacefully.

I was surprised with the number of pregnancy news this month. A colleague just told me she's 3 months pregnant, with twins!!! And there are no history of twins in her or her husb's family. Kuasa Allah...I'm so happy for her and it gives me hope that if she can get twins then maybe I can too..hehehehe...

My sister in law is also pregnant. No, not Hareez's mom but my other SIL in Kedah. This would be her 4th one, insyaAllah..

My nephew Laiq is already 6 months and looking very healthy and adorable! My buah hati Sayang is already 9 months and is so cheeky and her new hobby is sticking out her tongue!

Laiq

Sayang

Sayang & Laiq (L-R)

Hubby and I are still trying to get pregnant. One day at a time :)

Wordless Wednesday

The Next Step

The hard part is over. Now, comes the harder part.

MOVING ON.

I have no clue how to do that. Health wise, I’ve been diligent in going for regular check-ups for my diabetes. My sugar level control is getting much better. I’ve not been snacking like how I used to.

What I want to know is…when is the right time to try again? Even thinking about “getting intimate” with my husband gives me a headache. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not turned off by sex. I’ve just been feeling irritable and lazy. Yes, that’s the word.

LAZY.

It’s hard to be optimistic sometimes. Sometimes I find it hard to confide with thehubby because somehow my point doesn’t get across and we end up fighting. He takes what I say personally even though I told him it has nothing to do with him and that I was just telling him how I feel. Sometimes I think it’s better to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, rather than risk a huge fight when I express them.

After the D&C, I had backaches and terrible stomach cramps. When I went to see the doctor, he asked me how I was feeling about the miscarriage and whether I had trouble sleeping. He suggested that I talk to a professional because sometimes the physical pain I was feeling is a manifestation of an intense emotional pain. Talk to a shrink??? Goodness. I don’t think it’s necessary. I think I’m handling all this quite well. Yes, I do break down sometimes but that’s natural, right? But I know myself. I’m a strong person inside and out and I believe I will be able to recover from the loss gradually.

I’m taking care of my niece at the moment. She’s 6 months old and I love and adore her to bits. She sleeps with me and I’ve been taking care of her since she was 2 months old. I think she’s my escapism. When I look at her, all my problems disappear for a while and I feel so much better. I don’t have to deal with my sadness and that loss, empty feeling inside. It’s bad I know but I can’t help it. This is how I deal.

I just need to figure out how this “moving on” bit works. Pray for me.

An Open Letter To Michael Buble

Dear Mr. Buble,

I was at your concert on Sunday the 13th March 2011 in KL. I had the best time of my life. You are by far the best entertainer I’ve ever seen. I thoroughly enjoyed your “party” and believe me if you ever come back to KL I will surely get the most expensive ticket because you are so worth every ringgit!

My husband is a big fan of yours. I think I started listening to your music because of him. He told me that when he was in Kuching some years ago he entered a singing competition organised by his company and he sang and danced to “Sway”. He said he listened to your rendition of Sway and loved it. He actually got 2nd place. He showed me the video of him singing and dancing to the song and it was so funny that I still make fun of him till today.

Dear Mr. Buble,

You see, about a month ago I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. You don’t know how happy I was to see that 2 blue lines on the pregnancy stick and also the word “pregnant” on the stick. We’ve been trying to get pregnant ever since I got married like 4 years ago. I’ve never gotten that 2 lines before even when I was late several weeks a few times. When I found out I told my husband and we went and bought another 2 pregnancy tests and tested and after that we went to see a doctor and did a blood test. The doctor confirmed my pregnancy and I was over the moon. I didn’t tell many people, just few people who were very close to me. We told our parents and they were very happy because I guess they knew how long we’ve been waiting for this good news.

However, our happiness didn’t last that long. We went for a check-up 2 weeks ago and the doctor said he couldn’t detect a heartbeat and said it was a miscarriage and told me I had to do a D&C. I can hear him saying all this words but I just couldn’t process it at that time. I felt sad, angry and wanted to kill that doctor for telling me the bad news.

Dear Mr. Buble,

The reason I’m telling you all this is to let you know that I still have hope. I listened to your song “Haven’t Met You Yet” and cried my hearts out. When I hear the first few lines of the song I can immediately relate to it. There have been so many times that I wished I was pregnant. When I’m late for even a week I’ll buy the pregnancy test and when it comes out negative I’d just cry in the bathroom. My heart breaks everytime I don’t see the 2 blue lines.

I'm Not Surprised

Not Everything Lasts

I’ve Broken My Heart So Many Times,

I Stopped Keeping Track.

Talk Myself In

I Talk Myself Out

I Get All Worked Up

Then I Let Myself Down.

I Tried So Very Hard Not To Lose It

I Came Up With A Million Excuses

I Thought I Thought Of Every Possibility

And then I listened to the rest of the lyrics from the song…

I might have to wait, I’ll never give up

I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck

Wherever you are, whenever it's right

You'll come outta nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing

And baby your love is gonna change me

And now I can see every possibility

I still believe that there is hope for me. There are times when I just want to give up, curl on my bed, turn off the lights and cry till I can’t cry anymore. But then I thought, “Hey! I did just get pregnant naturally when all this while I thought I couldn’t. That ought to count for something, right?”

Dear Mr. Buble,

I felt really bad for my husband too. When all this was happening to me I think people forgot to ask him whether he’s okay. His family members are so far away and he doesn’t have anyone to talk to here except for me. He tried so very hard to be strong for me but I know he was devastated and upset. I know he cries when he’s alone. He tried not to do it in front of me but I know he’s hurting. I just want him to be okay. I love him so much and felt so bad that I couldn’t give him this one gift that every woman is supposed to give to their husband. I want to move on and not be so sad anymore but it’s so very hard. I still find it hard to talk to my close friends about it. I want to tell them how I’m still hurting but I’m so afraid they’re going to tell me to get over it and move on. I don’t think I can handle that. I also want my husband to know that I noticed.

I noticed how caring, thoughtful and loving he is throughout this whole ordeal. I noticed that at times he looked sad but tried to put on a strong front. I noticed how he wants to make everything better for me. I noticed.

So Mr. Buble, the conclusion to this open letter is…please keep on making good music and lyrics. I know it’s cliché for some people but your song is helping me go through this tough time. God is with me and he’s giving me strength to move on and try again. But sometimes a song does wonders as well. My husband is your biggest fan. And I guess because of him, I became a fan too.