Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Love Is A Tricky Thing

“You can’t help who you fall in love with”.

Can’t you?

A friend of mine would vehemently argue that the above statement is total bullshit and a whole load of crap.

He and I had this discussion before about why people have affairs even though they’re married. In my opinion, people have affairs because they feel that there is a void in the marriage. They’re not getting what they need in the marriage, hence the need to look for it somewhere else. I told him that is certainly not an excuse but somehow that is the reason given by people who have affairs.

He said that you CAN help who you fall in love with if you know where the lines are. Then you know not to cross it. He said you should always, always avoid making a “connection” be it physical or emotional with people who are engaged or married. He said you should even avoid people who have gfs or bfs. I told him it’s easier said than done. You watch all these movies about married people who found their so-called soulmates AFTER they’ve been married to other people. Somehow movies made it easier to just follow your heart and leave your existing partner and go make a life with your soulmate. Once in a while they do make movies about how tough life is for children of the divorced couple but it always have a happy ending. The children in those movies ALWAYS end up understanding why their parents got divorced, believing that they are not the cause of the divorce and ended up being friends with their stepmoms and stepdads.

Is that always the case in real life?

My friend believed that you can be happy just being single. You do not need to create unnecessary drama in your life just to spice things up. I told him usually the dramas are created by people who are in a relationship. He just laughed. Think about it. Why the need to seek for attention somewhere else when you can get that from your wife/husband/fiancée/gf/bf? In this day and age, sex before marriage is so common that people starts to hump each other even after the first date! I’m not here to judge. I’m just saying that’s the reality of life today. So if you can get your sexual needs satisfied by your partner, why the need to seek “attention” somewhere else? But then again it's not always about sex, is it?

Say the sex was bad, for example. Is it wrong to communicate and tell your partner that the sex was bad? I mean, you love your partner, right? If you love your partner, wouldn’t you want to make them happy? Yes, they may not be thrilled to hear you tell them that sex was bad and that they need to improve but deep down I’m sure they would at least try to make it good, right? How big of an ego can one person have that they would get totally offended and ask for a break-up just because you were being honest with them?

You hear about married people having affairs almost everyday. I don’t blame people who’d rather stay single for the rest of their life. How tight a leash can you have on your husband/wife anyway? For a woman, you can invoke fear in your husband by telling them you’ll cut their balls off if you ever found out they are fooling around with other women but would you actually do it? You think your husband believe that you’d actually cut their balls off? At the end of the day, when your husband come back home and tell you he wants out of the marriage because he had found someone else more loving or more pretty or more sexy or a better cook than you, what else can you do? Beg him to stay? Tell him you’d be a better wife in the future? Blame yourself for his indiscretions? Or would you take that knife and cut his balls off?

It’s true. You CAN’T help who you fall in love with. But you can draw the line on who you should or should not get closed to and promise not to cross that line no matter what. I found this quote in one of the articles on the internet, “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new…, all the time, made new…”

No matter how much time you spend trying to make perfect bread, if the other person is sick and tired of eating your bread then it’s pointless, isn’t it?

22 comments:

pugly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pugly said...

& people ask me why I am not in a hurry to get married :-)

I was planning to blog about this topic someday. Yes, can we help falling in love, & who we fall in love with?

What I think is: yes, you can't help loving or liking somebody. But at the same time, you should be able to master your emotions & use your own judgments so as to not let your decision to love somebody has an adverse effect on others.

It's all about self-control, innit - of how well you can keep your emotions in check.

wegra said...

we are all capable of being in the driver's seat, making conscious decisions when it comes to deciding to whom you want to be romantically involved with.

if a bf/husband orang comes gedik2 to you, even if he's great with words, has good looks or the type of man you'd date, it's your call laa kan to either remain indifferent or allow yourself to fall in love with him or otherwise. if you found out much later that the person that you've allowed yourself to fall in love with is attached, you do have the power to snap out of it.

if someone goes "it just happened, i didn't plan it, i can't help it". let me jentik telinga diye.

akula said...

Hmm, tough subject to comment. But I always believed that once a commitment has been made, you are obligated to go through with it.

Love? Sure its important, but no less important than being commited.

- guile - said...

i think, falling in love is a feeling of strong instinctive attraction to another person. we should be aware of our emotions all the time. when one say that 'i dunno how it happened' it means that he/she was unconscious of his /her own feelings and due to the heightened level of attraction one tends to be swayed. but the action of following through the feeling is where our judgement lies. we as a human, we make decision based on what we think and feel. we shouldnt decide either purely on what we think or solely how we feel. say if we made a mistake of getting too comfortable with the other person, then we should act upon it (rectify/ stop the feeling / stay away from the comfort zone). to me, love is a nurturing process. the more you nurture it, the more it grows.

Sarclover said...

you CANNOT help who you fall in love with, and i am a living speciment.

i kept on falling in love with someone who doesnt seem to love me as much as i do. akchelly only two times la.

i was in love with a mangkok of a man who actually had the nerves of meraba some other woman's thighs in my presence holding my hand with the other in DOME KLCC!

that was an insult but i let it be because i was so in love with him.

now.. its just plain crap! i hope he died and rot in hell.

diamond baby said...

I once fell in love eventhough i was totally aware of his bad boy reputation. I was of a sane mind but an insane heart. Yup, I can't help it but I was strong enough to break away. Mind you, not fell out of love (that happened much later) but more on distancing myself from the root of the problem.

Cosmic_GurL said...

Pugly - Well said. But then again not many people know the art of mastering self-control. Example -> our ex-Minister of Health! People kept telling me what a good Minister he is but no matter how good u are at your job, if you dont know how to keep your libidos in check then tak guna jugak

wegra - Yeah I do believe u can snap out of it. You just have to hate that person bad enough for u to able to snap out of it..if a man lies to you abt being single when he's already married then u know wht u should do. Once a liar, always a liar, right?

akula - sometimes the excuse given is that u only live once. So why be in a loveless marriage when u have a chance to be with someone who love? Kalau dah bercinta sakan tak ingat anak bini dah

guile - Sigh...im sure this subject is very close to your heart. But u are absolutely right. We should be aware of our own emotions. Excuses like "it just happened" or " i didnt see it coming" are total bullshit! How can u NOT see when someone is trying to get close to you? Even more so if he/she is married?!

Men and women can't just be friends, unless there is no sexual attraction, right?

sarclover - I do know whre ure coming from. When it comes to bfs, you tend to forgive or look the other way even tho there are warning signs that your bf might be cheating on you. You make excuses for his behavior becoz you love him too much and want to believe that he's a good guy and u didnt make a bad decision when u decide to accept him as your bf..

Been there done that, babe. I think everyone has made that mistake before. But it's good that u snapped out of it and got rid of that leech.

As long as you know ure not the cause of a break-up in other people's marriage then ure good to go.

Cosmic_GurL said...

DB - I guess as long as he was a "single" bad boy, you dont see any problem being with him kan? Distancing yourself im sure is the hardest thing u had to do. We all need to try everything once. Hehehe..just jgn try nak tackle laki/bini orang dah lah...

Theta said...

You've highlighted an interesting issue here.

From an Islamic point of view, a strong foundation in religion will guide a person of the right thing to do and deter from being led astray. I know it's easier said than done for one to stand by one's principles, especially when you are pressured to conform - for instance, with thoughts like my friends are going to second and third base with their partners before marriage, and I should do the same lest I'll be seen as kolot.

Similarly, in the areas of falling in love, one wouldn't entertain such an idea if the other person is already spoken for, no matter how strong the temptation. Only when that person is free from any bonds (not from your doing), can then you make a move. If you try to meddle BEFORE that, I believe what goes around comes around.

Seeking Solace said...

Yeah love is tricky. And I like that bread quote. And I agree with your friend that u can be (and stay) happy being single. People play so many games and there is no real way of knowing one's true intentions and how well can u know someone before committing to a relationship?

ti.e.na said...

what more is there to say?love makes you a fool.

david santos said...

Thanks for posting, Cosmic_Gurl.

have a good day

all jazzed up said...

hi cosmic, i too like many others who have posted have been a slave to love. and yes even though we know what kind of sh*t we were gonna get into, we'll just close one eye and jump into the flame. but oh well, that's just me.

kawaii_desu said...

hmmm...

interesting topic here...

i agree that love is blind. and marriage is an eye opener...

due to that, some often resort to others when they're not able 2 accept the realiy of their marriage.

to me, yes, we cant help to like or to fall in love with anyone. but we can draw the line,... we all have our cultures which all agree to building up the fundamentals of family instituition: marriage. so dont wreck it...

love someone from far.... if he/she's not 4 u. believe in the so-called jodoh...

be responsible in navigating ur feelings...

gravtkills said...

if sex is bad, at least can give feedback but if your partner dont want to have sex...how?

ADIEJIN said...

ouch..was bloghopping and sesat here. Heavy stuff this is. I mean this love thingy. But good read anyway. Gosh 3 am oredy..I better go sleep.

EDDY PURNAMA SPARROW said...

i believe that we can control love....coz i aint easily falling for people...

entahlah let me find love first...hey im back 2 blogging sistah!!!

pijah said...

kenapa susah nak carik chenta yg jatuh tergolek terlentang nyer jenis nowadays eh? :p

idham said...

:) i just the idea of being in love....

idham

Cosmic_GurL said...

theta - We've been hearing the "Wht goes around comes around" saying so often that I wonder if the saying has lost its meaning. If ppl truly understand the consequences then no one would be having affairs and hurting their spouse

SS - Sometimes ppl play games to make it more interesting. I dont believe in it. I say go straight to the point. Heh...

tiena - Yup it does but we should learn from other ppl's mistakes, dont u agree? :)

AJU - Sometimes jumping without thinking is fun because u dont want to think abt the consequences i.e. live for the moment etc.

KD - I like that phrase, "be responsible in navigating ur feelings"...often than not ppl just let their feelings go astray..

gravtkills - Hmmm...susah tu..if your partner dont wanna have sex i guess u can always threaten them that you will "cari makan kat luar"..hehehehe..kidding. Communicate with your partner. I think ppl often forget to do that. They just keep their feelings bottled up inside.

adiejin - Yup heavy stuff to be reading at 3am dude :)

eddy - Just practised what we've talked abt at teh tarik session after karaoke tht day ya :)

pijah - Kalau senang carik then senanglah nak hilang my dear!

Idham - Me too :)

Scatty-Kat said...

Interesting topic indeed. I read an article about this also. About most people having affairs to fill up some kind of void in their existing relationship.

I think that we probably cannot help who we fall in love with... but people need to have their emotions in check. That is the difficult bit. Not everyone are as good or as strong to control their emotions....... and thats why i have my commitment phobias....