Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Next Step

The hard part is over. Now, comes the harder part.


I have no clue how to do that. Health wise, I’ve been diligent in going for regular check-ups for my diabetes. My sugar level control is getting much better. I’ve not been snacking like how I used to.

What I want to know is…when is the right time to try again? Even thinking about “getting intimate” with my husband gives me a headache. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not turned off by sex. I’ve just been feeling irritable and lazy. Yes, that’s the word.


It’s hard to be optimistic sometimes. Sometimes I find it hard to confide with thehubby because somehow my point doesn’t get across and we end up fighting. He takes what I say personally even though I told him it has nothing to do with him and that I was just telling him how I feel. Sometimes I think it’s better to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, rather than risk a huge fight when I express them.

After the D&C, I had backaches and terrible stomach cramps. When I went to see the doctor, he asked me how I was feeling about the miscarriage and whether I had trouble sleeping. He suggested that I talk to a professional because sometimes the physical pain I was feeling is a manifestation of an intense emotional pain. Talk to a shrink??? Goodness. I don’t think it’s necessary. I think I’m handling all this quite well. Yes, I do break down sometimes but that’s natural, right? But I know myself. I’m a strong person inside and out and I believe I will be able to recover from the loss gradually.

I’m taking care of my niece at the moment. She’s 6 months old and I love and adore her to bits. She sleeps with me and I’ve been taking care of her since she was 2 months old. I think she’s my escapism. When I look at her, all my problems disappear for a while and I feel so much better. I don’t have to deal with my sadness and that loss, empty feeling inside. It’s bad I know but I can’t help it. This is how I deal.

I just need to figure out how this “moving on” bit works. Pray for me.