Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Next Step

The hard part is over. Now, comes the harder part.

MOVING ON.

I have no clue how to do that. Health wise, I’ve been diligent in going for regular check-ups for my diabetes. My sugar level control is getting much better. I’ve not been snacking like how I used to.

What I want to know is…when is the right time to try again? Even thinking about “getting intimate” with my husband gives me a headache. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not turned off by sex. I’ve just been feeling irritable and lazy. Yes, that’s the word.

LAZY.

It’s hard to be optimistic sometimes. Sometimes I find it hard to confide with thehubby because somehow my point doesn’t get across and we end up fighting. He takes what I say personally even though I told him it has nothing to do with him and that I was just telling him how I feel. Sometimes I think it’s better to just keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, rather than risk a huge fight when I express them.

After the D&C, I had backaches and terrible stomach cramps. When I went to see the doctor, he asked me how I was feeling about the miscarriage and whether I had trouble sleeping. He suggested that I talk to a professional because sometimes the physical pain I was feeling is a manifestation of an intense emotional pain. Talk to a shrink??? Goodness. I don’t think it’s necessary. I think I’m handling all this quite well. Yes, I do break down sometimes but that’s natural, right? But I know myself. I’m a strong person inside and out and I believe I will be able to recover from the loss gradually.

I’m taking care of my niece at the moment. She’s 6 months old and I love and adore her to bits. She sleeps with me and I’ve been taking care of her since she was 2 months old. I think she’s my escapism. When I look at her, all my problems disappear for a while and I feel so much better. I don’t have to deal with my sadness and that loss, empty feeling inside. It’s bad I know but I can’t help it. This is how I deal.

I just need to figure out how this “moving on” bit works. Pray for me.

8 comments:

Mrs.A said...

escapism.

been there . still there. trying not to be there.

you know yourself better girl.

i know myself better but i still fall. but falling, is a step towards being able to get up, and stay up. because you learn not to fall again. sometimes you forget. but its okay.

hope you get my rambling.

and i pray Allah gives you what you need to get through this. it may come in many different forms, surprising ones and expected ones.

jangan lupa bersyukur dengan apa yang ada ya. bersyukur, bersyukur, bersyukur. pesanan from my arwah MIL whom i miss.

trying again... technically medically, ASAP , 2 months after. as my gynae once said, "your flood gates open.. embrace it"


psychologically , when you are ready lah dear. only you will know when that is.

talk to each other, about everything else besides it. therapeutic. eventually some grounds will be touched and you'll both be ready to talk about it . maybe you both not ready to, yet.as your backing out. which is good, i think. again, you both know both of you better...

take care.

and i will, insyaAllah, pray for you.

cafiena said...

hello.

my first time on your blog, and your header makes me smile, ear to ear.

May God bless you.

Anonymous said...

I'm a doctor, and I just had a miscarriage in February. It's so easy to tell my patients " Your baby's gone, we can't detect the heartbeat; we have to do so-and-so procedure or we can wait until everything comes out". I never knew how painful those words really meant until it came back to hit me in the face.

I felt angry at everyone, at myself for not taking care of my body properly, at God for not saving my baby and at my husband for being... unfazed. But the latter wasn't true at all. He was deeply hurt but he just refused to show it.

I'm still coping with the news. I can't believe this common case I see all the time would hunt me in the end. And alas, my colleagues treated me as any other patient. It still hurts, that no one really knows how it really feels... until I read your blog entry.

I know what you're going through. Let's just hope we can move on from this together.

Miss GobbleGobble said...

Chin up girl :)

The Pisces Man said...

I think it's a good thing u r takin' care of ur nieces. I dunno de real history here, but r u takin' care of them full time?

Btw, at de same time, do take caution when dealing with kids. They CAN provide comfort and escape from our frustration. But for some ppl out there, they channel their anger on children instead. But I'm sure u r great with ur nieces and will not fall into the latter category. Hope u dun mind me saying dis, coz I am talking from experience.

Anyhow, other than ur nieces (who r still too young 2 be able to listen and respond to ur worries), is there anybody else u can talk to? (since a shrink is out of de question) Ur folks perhaps? Again, I do apologise if I'm entering a very personal territory here dudette..

Anyhow, thank u for ur condolences. I really do appreciate dat. U r one of de first who read it when I first wrote it b4 flying off. Now, I have written down (close to) everything I had to say in de blog. Hopefully, u've read de final version too...

All de best dudette. Do give anyone dat u trust a buzz if u need smone to listen 2 u.

Sarclover said...

Always move on, never be at one place. Been there, done that (More than you think I have)...

rozzdabozz said...

god bless cgurl...god bless..

cheers..

maszuzu said...

bebs..i just read this. i did not know you had a miscarriage :-( i am so sorry... and i am very sure you will weather this as well..