Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Of Motherhood...

I’m surrounded by pregnant women. Everywhere I turn there is bound to be a pregnant woman in sight. A very good friend of mine is pregnant. I just found out that one of my colleagues is pregnant as well. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for pregnant women everywhere. I’m not being sarcastic here. I am truly happy for these people. I just wished it was me.

You guys have no idea how hard it is to get pregnant. Sex is not fun anymore. Well sometimes it's fun but most of the time it's not when you're trying to conceive. You’ll have to count the days when you’re ovulating and even when you’re not in the mood to have sex, you still have to do it because that is the right time to do it. And when your husband doesn’t ejaculate you get angry because if he doesn’t come then there is no way in hell you’re going to get pregnant. You get even stressed out when your husband tells you that you’re stressing him out by over-analysing things. But he doesn’t get it. No men will get how important it is for a woman to become a mother.

Sometimes you get frustrated because your ability to conceive depends on another person. It doesn’t make sense to think such a way because you can’t get pregnant on your own, right? But you can’t help but feel that way. You feel like such a loser because one thing you’re supposed to be good at which is motherhood and you can’t even do that.

I feel like such a loser sometimes. I feel like I’ve somehow let my parents, in-laws and husband down. People tell me not to think about it too much, don’t stress about it but how can you not think about it? The more people tell you not to think about it, the more you tend to over think it.

All I can do right now is hope and pray for a miracle.