Monday, November 24, 2008

Advice

It’s been a month now since my grandmother passed away. My aunt just sent us an email. She said that my grandfather hasn’t been eating (I saw him 2 weeks ago and he has lost some weight) and has been crying most of the time. When we asked him if he’s okay he will say that he’s doing fine but deep down we know he’s not. We think he’s feeling very lonely and depress. He told my aunt that he feels like he’s burdening his children.

What should we do to make him feel better? We’re at lost. I know he needs time to mourn and be sad but how long should we let him be that way? Is there anything we can do to help him? I really need some advice here.

My grandfather is a very quiet and private man. The kind of person who keeps everything bottled up inside. It’s very hard to get him to talk about his feelings. Even when he has a problem he won’t show it. He will only talk about his problems with my late grandmother.

We really want to help him. But we don’t know what to do.

13 comments:

j or ji said...

i ada kawan yg kematian ibunya (dah tua la).so on that day,i pergi la melawat dan tolong hingga ke kubur.masa balik dari kubur, anak2 arwah ni risau la dengan ayahnya...sampai rimas orang tua itu dan buat statement "aku belum nak mati lagi!"

sebenarnya dia sedih dan kecewa.
kehilangan seorang isteri,teman selama berpuloh tahun dimasa senang dan susah,bercinta dan bergaduh.

anak pompuan dia bawak dia tinggal bersama dan tinggalkan rumah kg mereka.

-i rasa, yr grandad perlu dibawa keluar...banyak memori kat rumah itu yg terus menghantuinya.

mungkin.

pugly said...

I agree with J or Ji above, he needs to be taken out more often. Take him on a holiday or something. Also, get him to spend more time with his grandchildren - children could be very effective in healing a broken heart. Get them to come visit him more often. I mean, yeah, sure, he needs time to mourn, but I takut kalau dibiarkan, nanti jadi sakit, either physical or mental. Older people are not that strong anymore to cope with such stress.

I don't know, really. I guess if I were you, I'd try & spend more time with him, talking to him, taking him out for walks, etc, etc. I mean, just talk to him normally like you would any other person - you don't have to talk about his late wife, just talk to him about anything, the current issues, how your day went, etc etc, just to take his mind off her, even for a while. But one thing's for sure, jangan biarkan dia seorang. He may not show it, & act like he doesn't need it, but believe me, it's times like this that he needs other people's company the most.

rozzdabozz said...

c_gurl,

if i may..

when i lost my dad, my mak was depressed as she has always depended on him. Her bereavement was inconsolable but after sometime it just goes off like that.

As children what we did was this;

We LISTEN; cry with her(honestly I did not cry); sit with her; reminisce; care; create ideas for coping; be honest; help her feel loved and needed; and believe that she will eventually get it over.

We also encourage her to talk about arwah and never we tried to change the conversation or avoid mentioning arwah.

Mourning may take a long time. Encourage her to be patient as there is no timetable for grief.

We never avoided her despite staying hundreds km away from her.

This is indeed very taxing to all surviving members of the demise but there are so many things yet so little success could be achieved sometimes.

I knew my mak has always kept her grieve with her but the emotional proximity we build with her helps her quite a bit.

Nonetheless, any approach may see differing results on different people. But obviously a shoulder to cry on is better than none.

If at all asking him (your grandfather) to remarry will solve the problem, so be it. But 1 month is rather to soon to propose such la.

Lets us all pray that he will one day get it over and resume life he normally had. It could be another month, another 3 months, or another year. Just be there when he needs you.

It ain't easy though...

cheers..

Ms B said...

babe,

I will leave comments but got to rush as i hv a course in 10 mins!

Take care yeah!

Lynn said...

Oh Honey, I wish I knew what to say, but this is such a heart wrenching post. I only have prayers for all of you...

On a different note, the suggestions given by commentors before me are all viable.

Ms B said...

CG,

after reading this again, i can sense how much you are touched by the whole thing. i wish i have the answer.

i remember losing my grand dad when i was 8 and it affected me badly. i couldnt recall how my late grandma handled it. i suppose it helps when there is a member of the family staying with them.

also having kids around. sometimes we adults open up more to kids, perhaps its bcos of their innocence.

valisaiskandar said...

*hugs*
My dad never got over losing my mom. He never cried. He was so heartbroken he was hospitalised 3 weeks after her demise. He passed away last year, 3 years after she did.
He didn't leave the house much after that actually. He focused on gardening and playing with his cucus. But he really missed my mom - her cooking, her company, their flirtings, arguments - they were very open with their affection.
He said something very touching to me a few weeks after he was gone when Terry was back in NL and Nabila and me stayed on in M'sia.
"You are like me... badan saja di sini, nyawa di tempat lain..."
At times like this, we realise we now many how close we are to our parents/grandparents - we are not intimate to the inner workings or their souls, hearts and minds. We have to be around without intruding, present without imposing. We have to give them time and to be kind when they seem to not to want us around... because we too have lost and have known how it felt liek to be *abandoned* only in their cases, they can't hate the people who left them because it is beyond their control.
But that probably it what hurting them most because no matter how prepared you are for the day that you are no longer one with the one you love for so long, you will never be prepared for this loss...
*hugs*

maszuzu said...

hi babe,

i'm not the best person to give advice on this. but the fact that u have great thots of him, is indeed to prove that he's surrounded by lots of love...

my doa for him...

hugs

Mrs.A said...

I have been a silent reader for a while.. tapi compelled to write today. What everone said is true. Try and get him to talk. Memang mula2 semua akan rasa ackward but once things get going..it will just get easier for everybody. Sebelum ni I wasn't close to my dad but just that one time, the right time, the flood gates were open and .. voila! We haven't stopped talking since. They have soo much wisdom to share... InsyaAllah he will get over it, with everyone's help. You could start by just holding his hand.

The Pisces Man said...

I have to be honest, I don't know how to help. But I have one question though, was everything catered for him when arwah was around? I mean, everything, from meals to laundry, etc etc..

Maybe the reason he said he felt like he was burdening his children was because, he was longing for all those things and he knew he couldn't expect to get the same from his children.

Why not find a maid to help with that? Like preparing meals, wash and iron his clothes, clean the house etc etc. If any of the children still live with him, then it shouldn't be a problem, I mean in case the children are worried about having a maid with nobody else in the house. Just a suggestion...

Oreos said...

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your Tok Yang.

May your grandfather soon replace the sorrow of her passing with the peace and comfort of her memory...

Al Fatihah.

akula said...

I am sure your grandfather needs some time to recover.

As what the others suggested, keep him company. Perhaps then, the recent loss of his wife will be much more bearable.

katakbesar said...

selalunya..
orang akan berkata
'i understand how u feel'

salah tu!

sebabnya..
we can not understand!
i.e. apa jua yg org itu sedang lalui
takkan sama dengan apa
yg pernah exactly kita lalui

in short,
kita sepatutnya hanya boleh berkata
'i could imagine and try to understand'

anyhow.. berbalik kepada
perasaan your grandpa
i think, all he needed is time
and as always, time heals everything, everytime
insyaAllah

plus, perasaan org tua
banding ngan org muda
sememangnya berbeza