Lost

Just because I'm losing

Doesn't mean I'm lost

Doesn't mean I'll stop

Doesn't mean I'm across

Just because I'm hurting

Doesn't mean I'm hurt

Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved

No better and no worse

I just got lost!

Every river that I tried to cross

Every door I ever tried was locked

Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish

In a little pond

Doesn't mean you've won

'Cause along may come

A bigger one

And you'll be lost!

Every river that you tried to cross

Every gun you ever held went off

Oh and I'm just waiting til the firing's stopped

Oh and I'm just waiting til the shine wears off

I just love Coldplay. Really, really love them. Too bad I won't be watching them perform in Singapore on the 23rd March...Sigh...Bummer...

Don't you think their lyrics are so poetic? I think they're such good performers and great songwriters. Double bummer.

Second Chances

The great thing about being alive is that you have a second chance to make right whatever wrong you’ve done in the past. When a person is given a second chance, that person will try their best to succeed, be it finding love again or getting that promotion or even a better job. One tends to make the best out of it and most of the time they get past the fact that they weren’t successful the first time. However not everyone can handle being given a second chance. Some tend to screw it up even more the second time around and with these people it’s never ending. They will ask for a third or fourth chance and after a while you just feel like giving up on them because they disappoint you time and time again.

What was the saying again? Once bitten twice shy? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me? If everyone thinks this way then no one will get second chances. Or maybe you could get a second chance, but just not with the person that had let you down.

I have a few friends who got married the second time around and they have never been happier. I also know someone who had failed in his business once but now he’s a successful entrepreneur, even more successful than before. That’s the beauty of second chances. Only after you have embraced it and make the best out of it, then you will find true happiness and be at peace with yourself.

I want to tell you about a friend of mine who has been divorced for less than 8 months. Last week he told me that he’s in love and is getting married again this year in June. As a friend of course I told him I was happy for him. I am happy that he found love again and happy that he had entrusted his heart with another person. But I am also worried for him. I don’t want him to rush into things. I don’t want him to get married because he felt that his daughter needed a mother or that because he was lonely and needed a companion. I want him to get married for all the right reasons. But then I start to think what could be the right reasons to get married. To him the right reason could be because he was lonely and needed a companion. To me it should be because he is totally and utterly in love with her and that he thinks that she is good for him and that she could take good care of his daughter and love her like her own. Part of me wants him to be careful and to take it slow and thinks that getting married too soon after his divorce is a bad move but another part of me just wants him to take a chance and be happy and not think too much, just follow his heart. Alas, I did tell him to be careful and just follow his heart. At the end of the day, it’s his life and if he is happy then who am I to rain on his parade.

So what I’m trying to say here is if you’ve been given a second chance at life or love then you have to grab it and make the best out of it. Because that could be the only chance you will get at being happy.

Just Another Ordinary Day

I received an email from my friend Banana this morning. She wished me Happy Belated Birthday and asked me what I did on my birthday last Sunday.

Well, for the first time ever I did nothing special. Hubby fell ill while we were in Langkawi. He was having really high fever, headache and his body was aching all over on our first night there. We thought it was just a normal fever so I took him to Hospital Langkawi the next day. I couldn’t find a clinic believe it or not. When we got to the hospital hubby was shivering because he was so cold. We had to wait for our turn for more than an hour. When we got to see the doctor who looks like she just got out of med school, she told hubby that it was just a normal fever and gave him antibiotics and flu meds. She told him that if he doesn’t feel any better then he was to come back and see her. Right.

We went back to our chalet and hubby took his meds and went back to sleep. Even after taking the meds he still had headaches and his body was still aching but we managed to go island hopping the next day. When we came back I tried to make him eat something but he couldn’t. He said he has this bitter taste in his mouth. Even if he ate something he would throw up thereafter.

When we came back to KL he went to the clinic and did a blood test because he still had fever and headache. The doctor suspected he had dengue because his platelet and white blood cell count had gone down. To be on the safe side I took him to the hospital and he got admitted. Later in the evening the doctor confirmed that it was indeed dengue.

His platelet went down to as low as 52 before it went up again. I fed him crab soup, juice from the papaya leaves and he drank bottles and bottles of 100 plus. Whatever food that could help get his platelet up, I fed it to him. There is actually no vaccine or meds to treat dengue fever!

Then on Sunday which was on my birthday, hubby got discharged as his platelet had gone up and he said he was feeling much better. I guess that is a gift in itself but I’m not a saint. If I ever come across that stupid Aedes mosquito that bit him I would lenyek-lenyek that stupid insect sampai hancur!! I know it’s not his fault that he got sick which in turned had ruined our anniversary and my birthday. But I can’t help but feel disappointed. I know, I know. I’m a bad person for feeling this way but I’m only human. He said sorry so many times and I believed that he was sorry even though he doesn’t have to be because it’s not his fault. I mean if it had happened to me I would feel really bad too. So that’s why I don’t give him any grief about it.

When I get upset or angry I write everything down. Hence this post. It’s the only way for me to let go of all this bad feelings that I’m having. Please don’t tell me I should be grateful that he is getting better because I am grateful. I thank god that it wasn’t dengue hemorrhagic fever or chikunguya or that he didn’t have to get a blood transfusion. I don’t know who to be angry or upset at. But I am feeling it right now. Oh please God, I don’t want to be a bad wife. For some people celebrating birthdays and anniversary may seemed petty and frivolous but when you’re so looking forward to it and things don’t go as planned it is damn frustrating. I know I need to get over it fast. I am trying to.

Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Happy Birthday Sher. May next year be better than this year and may Allah grant me his blessings and may all my wishes come true. Amin...

My Life Would Suck Without You

Hubby and I will be celebrating our 2nd year wedding anniversary next week and the best part is we will be celebrating it in Langkawi. Can you believe that my husband has never been to Langkawi? He’s acting like an excited little boy going on a trip far far away.

I can’t believe we’ve been married for almost 2 years now. How time flies when you’re having fun eh? I can still remember picking him up from the airport when he first arrived from Kuching 4 years ago. He was wearing his red MU t-shirt with blue jeans and pushing his trolley outside the arrival gate. (I told myself that I would never go out with an MU supporter coz they’re SOOOOOO Over The Top!! I guessed I spoke too soon).

When I saw him the first thing that popped in my head was, “Thank god he’s tall!!” Hahahahha…Seriously, I would have just left him at the airport if he was short. Hahahaha…Gila evil!!

I asked myself what made me fall in love with this man and agreed to become his wife. It’s not like we have many things in common. Yes, essentially we love music and we love watching movies and eating out but our taste in music and food are different.

He’s a football craze person and would watch sports, any kind of sports on television non-stop. I on the other hand am not. If there’s a football match on TV I would change the channel really quickly. The only time I watch football is during the World Cup and even then I’d only watch the Brazillians play. So that’s like football once every 4 years for me. But there was this one time where I had learned the names of most of the EPL players because he asked me to join in the Football Fantasy League. He knows I am a very competitive person and the only reason why I would learn the names of the players is so that I could pick them to be in my team, win and score high points. Well, at least now I know how ugly Cisse is and that Xabi Alonso is Spanish and not black (don’t ask, long story).

He would order a different dish on the menu everytime and willing to try them out while I would stick to the same dish I had ordered the last time I came to the restaurant. If I know that dish is delicious then I won't order anything else but that.

He listens to weird music well not exactly weird but not exactly mainstream either and would annoy me by asking me to listen to the song he’s just “found” and tell him what I think of the song. He gets excited when he listens to singers like Adele, Kokokaina and those Indonesian bands. He’s into RnB and I am so NOT! I can’t stand USHER!

When we fight, he would rather talk about the fight, about feelings and why I felt angry or hurt while I would rather keep quiet, cool down, sulk for a bit then talk about it. I am not a talker. When I am upset I get to one corner and keep quiet. But hubby is a talker. He likes to analyse things so he could understand where all the anger were coming from. Sometimes he analyses things too much I think!

He can sleep with the lights and tv on while I on the other hand must sleep in total darkness and in total silence.

But somehow, with all the things that we don’t have in common we managed to find a middle ground to make it work. I’m not saying he’s the greatest husband in the world nor will I say I am the greatest wife but I think we’re doing okay together. We compliment each other in ways that only we know how to. I guess what I’m trying to say is our differences hold us together, make us whole and keep things interesting.

Happy 2nd year Anniversary Sweetie…I love that you are the last person I talk to before I go to sleep and the first person I see when I wake up…

Of Motherhood...

I’m surrounded by pregnant women. Everywhere I turn there is bound to be a pregnant woman in sight. A very good friend of mine is pregnant. I just found out that one of my colleagues is pregnant as well. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for pregnant women everywhere. I’m not being sarcastic here. I am truly happy for these people. I just wished it was me.

You guys have no idea how hard it is to get pregnant. Sex is not fun anymore. Well sometimes it's fun but most of the time it's not when you're trying to conceive. You’ll have to count the days when you’re ovulating and even when you’re not in the mood to have sex, you still have to do it because that is the right time to do it. And when your husband doesn’t ejaculate you get angry because if he doesn’t come then there is no way in hell you’re going to get pregnant. You get even stressed out when your husband tells you that you’re stressing him out by over-analysing things. But he doesn’t get it. No men will get how important it is for a woman to become a mother.

Sometimes you get frustrated because your ability to conceive depends on another person. It doesn’t make sense to think such a way because you can’t get pregnant on your own, right? But you can’t help but feel that way. You feel like such a loser because one thing you’re supposed to be good at which is motherhood and you can’t even do that.

I feel like such a loser sometimes. I feel like I’ve somehow let my parents, in-laws and husband down. People tell me not to think about it too much, don’t stress about it but how can you not think about it? The more people tell you not to think about it, the more you tend to over think it.

All I can do right now is hope and pray for a miracle.

Bull Mauled by The Bear??

2 weeks into the new year and we have heard so many bad things happening in the market. Banks and companies are not hiring people at the moment and the latest one is the Satyam debacle, the largest corporate fraud ever perpetrated in India. I am just perplexed how 2 brothers managed to falsely inflate their profits and cook their books which amounted to more than $1 billion!! And this had gone on for a number of years!! How the regulators had failed to detect this is beyond me. And we’re talking about a company which is listed in the New York Stock Exchange, for heaven sakes!!!

And what about the Madoff scandal? I mean this guy was the former Chairman of the NASDAQ Stock Exchange but now it was reported that he had swindled up to $50 billion from investors. I read somewhere that when he was questioned by the FBI he allegedly told them that his business was "a giant Ponzi scheme!!!” I mean if a former Chairman of NASDAQ, a person who supposedly has a sound financial knowledge is involved in this kind of illegal activity then who can you trust????!!!

Reading about these 2 cases got me really upset. Upset because the victims would be the innocent shareholders and investors who had put their trust in the company and had put their money in the hands of the man they think they could trust. Now I understand why our forefathers used to keep their money under the pillow.

Anyway talking about money, I heard that bonus for government officers are good this year. It seems that the government has to give good bonuses so people would spend and inject money into the economy. That’s why you don’t see any empty shopping complexes or why Malaysians can still go for holidays overseas even though EVERYONE kept telling us the economy is bad, we’re going into recession and inflation rate is going to be high. Oh well…

In other news, Jason Mraz is coming to Malaysia on March 4th. I’m definitely going for his concert. A lof of my friends are going for Rihanna’s on the 19th Feb. PGL 3rd season is starting in February. Believe it or not I’ve never seen PGL at Istana Budaya because tickets are always sold out so hopefully I get to go this year. Sigh…more money down the drain…

Happy New Year Everyone!

In a few more days we will be coming to the end of 2008. A lot of things had happened this year, some are exciting and nice and some are just sad and depressing.

Hubby and I have been trying very hard for a baby this year but I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon. Disappointed? Yes, of course I am. But it’s only been a year and I am not going to give up that easily. I have been to a doctor and InsyaAllah we will do whatever that is necessary to get pregnant. My relationship with hubby has been really good so far. We have our fights as most couple normally do, some fights were silly ones and some were pretty intense. But we made-up really fast and we talked more about our problems with each other, instead of giving each other silent treatments. Hubby is the kind of guy who wants to talk about everything. I mean if I get angry at him for some reason then he would just badger me to talk about it over and over again. If I don’t answer his call then he would call 50 times and leave countless text messages until I answer them. He sometimes doesn’t understand the concept of leaving me alone to cool off for a while and hence causing me to get even angrier with him. If I am angry then I just want to be left alone until I cool off on my own because if you’re trying to use logic with me when I’m mad then you’re wasting your breath and time.

But now I think he is getting it. He knows now how to handle me when I’m upset. Thank god.

Work wise, everything has been good, Alhamdulillah. I am surrounded by really good people. I don’t think of them as my colleagues anymore but as good friends. One of them is getting married next year and I foresee we will be having lots of fun planning her hen night. I already know what I’m going to make her do *evil laugh*

I heard we may be getting our bonus and increment tonight. I hope and pray it’s a good bonus. I don’t understand when employers say that because of the economic downturn they have to slash our bonus. I mean we worked really hard all year round despite the economic downturn so it should not affect our bonus at all since we are entitled to it, right?

As for friendships, well, I have to say this year has been a very trying year for me. Some misunderstanding had caused a rift to the friendship and friends ended up not talking to each other. We can apologise and asked for forgiveness till kingdom come and try to salvage whatever that is left of the friendship but if one party decide that the friendship is worth foregoing then there is nothing we can do. As for me, I can only give her time and hoped that in the future we will be able to talk to each other like we used to. Not everything bad had happened this year. I’ve made some wonderful friends whom I know I can count on for support and I have my wonderful existing friends who are willing to accept my shortcomings and understand where I am coming from. I can be loud and opinionated at times but I am a softie inside.

Anyway, I’ve learned that you can’t take friendship for granted. I’ve learned it the hard way. As much as I want to salvage the friendship, I have to accept the fact that you can’t make people do what they don’t want to do. When their heart is no longer in it, then there is no point to continue further.

With all that said and done, I have to say that I am looking forward to 2009.

I am looking forward to make a baby or babies (hubby said that there are twins in his family…hehehe…) with hubby.

I am looking forward to my 2nd Wedding Anniversary and my 35th Birthday in February.

I am looking forward to my next promotion. Heh…InsyaAllah. Just have to be more focus and work harder.

I want to wish everyone Merry Xmas and a very Happy New Year. I pray that next year will be a better year for all of us.